It's Okay to be Scared

Actually, it's more than okay. It's really good to be scared.

I told you a few nights ago that I'm scared. I'm sorry to report I have not been cured of this affliction; in fact, I may be more scared than ever. Every day brings me closer to you, Ella - and the responsibility I have always been afraid of.

I just started a new job. I know your schedule is full so I won't take up your time talking about it. Suffice to say I am scared, often. I am scared of failing, scared of letting people get to know the real me, scared of spilling coffee on my nice clothes; the list goes on and on.

But it's good for me to be scared. It means things are changing. I am facing choices, decisions. All the time. Every day.

I recognize this is just a test for taking care of you. Being your dad will come down to a million decisions, every day. All the time. I will be scared each time, knowing every choice I make could lead to a disaster. And you will face these choices, beginning when you crawl up to your first electrical socket (Don't worry, they'll be covered. No, you don't need to take the plastic thingy off. No, it's not yummy.)

And let me be clear: It never feels good to be scared. Being scared is good because you know you are at an important crossroads. Anything scary is really just a choice; the scarier the situation, the more important your decision becomes.

And one more thing, just to clarify: Being scared does not mean you should take the "safe" road. When you are terrified - the more terrified you are - is just your brain is telling you, "Ella, let's just take a quick sec'. Is this a chance to move in a new direction, to challenge ourselves, to explore new and wonderful things? Or is this a chance to make our super-cool daddy super happy by being home before curfew?"

I am confident you will make the right choices, more often than not. That may mean fight, or run, or jump, or hurry home. Remember that fear is just a way to know we are at a crossroads. The fear leaves the moment you pick a path and take a first step.

This is that step for me, Ella. I was scared to start writing this. But it has made me even more excited to see you. And even more scared. And that's okay.

Good Night, Ella